Dear Cort…

Welcome to the first edition of “Dear Cort”. Friends, followers, hooligans, and acquaintances sent me questions and I will answer their problems and concerns here on this public forum. ┬áNow, I mean, I’m not trying to change the world or anything with my advice…but I’m also not saying it won’t happen.

1. What is your favorite bagel type?
The clever part of me wants to say “my favorite bagel is a donut”; however, that’s far from the truth. I don’t have a sweet tooth–I have a carb tooth. Breadsticks and pretzels over chocolate and sweets any day of the week. So what is by far my favorite bagel? It’s eggcellent. Eggspecially delicious. Eggsactly what I like to wake up to. Any bagel eggspert would agree. It’s…egg.

I want to say I have never had an egg bagel that wasn’t plump. I wanted to say “juicy” there, but bagels aren’t juicy. Unless you have a very bad blueberry bagel. So, let’s just go with “plump”. You can see what I’m talking about, right? Plus, the egg bagel goes good with any sort of spread. Butter? Yes. Cream cheese? Yes. Flavored cream cheese? Lather it up. My favorite butter and bacon. Sorry arteries.

I also, would like to give a shout-out to salt bagels. A solid runner-up, love them–but if you don’t have a beverage handy you’re in trouble. Too salty, and thus makes me salty.

2. I prefer the wizarding realm to reality. I just cannot face the possibility that I will never experience a life like Harry Potter. What will help me cope with this depressing shit?
No need for a Sorting Hat. We are in the same House. On the same team. The same brain wave, my friend. I currently have three books (and a lot of garbage, and dirty glasses) on my bed stand–two of which are Harry Potter books.

This summer, I spent some time backpacking Europe (make your cliche jokes) and was quite excited to visit the land of Harry Potter–London. I mean, I was VERY excited. I think that’s what made going there so heart-breaking. There’s no wizards. No Hogwarts. No Diagon Alley. All the things I wanted to see in London, weren’t there at all. It took me going there for it to finally sink in that it’s fake. Accepting the truth hurt. Of course, the whole time I knew it wasn’t real, but getting there and seeing with your own two eyes that none of it is real is, indeed, “depressing shit”.

I came back and started reading the series again. Just to have that warmth back in me soul, that feeling that it’s real. It’s truly one of the beautiful things about reading. It becomes real. So, as long as I have the books, Hogwarts isn’t fake. I spend time there every night.
3. What should I do if my armpits smell like bologna?
Well, personally, every time I am near a bologna sandwich, all I can smell is mustard. ‘Mustard Musk’ must cover up the scent of bologna, so I guess my only suggestion would be: slap some Mustard on them pitifuls.
4. How can I get a guy to propose to me… by the end of the week?
If you have someone specific in mind, your best bet is contacting Alex Hitchens. If you’re up for anything, I’ve got some amigos “visiting” from Mexico who are looking for romance…and citizenship.
5. How can you tell when puberty is over?
Puberty is never over. It just expands.
6. How do I go about joining the Na’vi race?
I’ve asked myself this a thousand times. I shouldn’t publicly state this but, I’ve seen Zoe Saldana in movies outside of Avatar and have been quoted “mehh, she was hotter as a 9 foot alien”. There’s something strangely…sexy about the Na’vi. So, I suggest you find a better advice column, ask them the same question, and please get back to me with an answer. I’m all for it, er, anything short of being paralyzed from waist down in combat. Sorry, Jake Sully.
7. Does Santa really know if I’m naughty or nice?
I wouldn’t be too concerned about what others think of you. Just be you. Who cares what some Jolly bloated creep, who watches you when you sleep (starting to sound like a song) thinks of you, right? Pretty demanding dude, too. Last year we left out cookies and a glass of milk…wake up in the morning, milk’s still there but 8 beers were missing from the 12-pack in the fridge. Eight!

And, meanwhile we’re all over here ripping Nike a new one for “child labor laws”, but fatso has a bunch of elves slaving away, YEAR-ROUND so the big guy can enjoy his one night of fame? Pshh. North Pole is made out to be a friendly factory, but it’s a plantation, I tell ya.

But, uh, yeah, he knows. He’s watching. He’s…always watching *puts on sunglasses, exits screen, fades to black*

8. I want to take my family on a vacation. But ever since I over-invested in a mediocre muffin-related business venture, no one in the family takes me seriously. Whats an awesome vacation destination I can take them to rock their socks? Thanks Cort!
Went over the (muffin) top with the muffin biz, eh? Sometimes those things just crumble. It’s great that you want to take your family on vacation, very admirable. However, if you really want to show them you can be taken seriously, a vacation isn’t the best idea. Vacations are essentially the opposite of serious. What you want to do is take them to the Holocaust museum. At every exhibit make a comment like “that was wrong”, “so wrong”, “terrible”. Then you’re family will see that you do have a good sense of judgement, and the mediocre muffin malfunction was just a fluke.
That’s it for this weeks Dear Cort. ’twas a grand time, let’s do it again soon.